I almost died this week. First I slammed my head into a shelf while playing around on an exercise ball, then I woke up and slammed my forehead into my sturdy orange bedside table, and finally, twenty-four hours later, I fainted at the 116th Cathedral Parkway number one train station and landed on my face.
I feel like an idiot. More than that, I feel like I have the worst headache and my nose won't stop running. If I die in the next few days, blame the United States health insurance system for making me afraid of hospitals.
Or blame something way more exciting.
The exercise ball was my fault. I wasn't thinking clearly that day. It was nearly impossible to think clearly after that though. Making me prime for possession. Dostoevsky includes a character in Crime and Punishment who rambles and raves about the ghosts he has seen. He says you can only see the other side when you are close to death yourself, because why would you need to see it were you not in need of hope.
After the first head injury I was weak. When that female presence who frequently appears at dawn to yell at me showed up she found me thus weakened and was empowered to force my head to collide with the bedside table. I woke up due to the force of movement and then passed out again with my new concussion. That Lady, feeling triumphant, vanished for the night.
The next evening at choir practice something drew my attention to the balcony that sits above the front door. Earlier in the evening two men had been walking around up there but they had packed up and gone. For a second there was a woman standing there. She was garbed all in black with a black veil, holding the banister. I blinked and she was never there.
When she appeared later I was out--sleuthing around Columbia with a friend. A little after 3 am we bid good night to each other and I went down into the one train station. 116th Street Cathedral Parkway. I had just missed a train. Fourteen minutes until the next South Ferry bound one. There was an odd number of construction workers and a man sitting on the opposite platform.
"The next South Ferry bound one train will arrive in seven minutes," the automated message reported after what felt like twenty.
I was beginning to get warm. There was no ventilation in that tunnel like platform. Tomb. She showed up and waited. Watched.
I looked at my phone. It was half passed three. Sent a text to my friend saying "14 minute wait b" because I couldn't correct the b to a period as the world swam and I pocketed my phone.
I was sitting in a tall backed wooden chair in a dimly lit chamber. They had a thick leather strap around my head and it felt like they were tightening it.
"Ow, You're hurting my head," I said and the sound make me come to.
"Miss! Miss! Are you all right?" people were screaming at me from fifty feet away.
"Oh shit," said to myself then "I'm sorry!" to everybody else.
"Did you fall asleep or do we need to call for help?" the man from across the platform yelled.
"Fell asleep! Sitting down now," I called back. "I'm fine," to the construction workers down the platform. I wasn't fine, though.
The subway rattled into the station and I scrambled onto it. The doors closed on my shadow and we rumbled off. I removed my hat and scarf and sat sweating. My head felt like something had bashed it into the wall and the floor. Half the route later I was home. Tired and weakened for another attack but on guard. Today I will burn sage and drink lots of water and tomorrow I will go to church.
Out.
V.
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